by Audrey Poff

There’s never a shortage of bad gift ideas for Valentine’s Day. Perhaps even scarier is the fact that panic often sets in as Valentine’s Day approaches, leading to poor choices for the many hopeless romantics who are still scrambling when the sun rises on Feb. 14.

Cleaning supplies and household appliances signal zero effort or romantic thought; gym memberships, dental hygiene products and oversized clothing can easily imply criticism rather than adoration; and going the cheap route (cheap flowers, cheap candy or cheap jewelry) can be the kiss of death.

With Valentine’s Day just a few weeks away, I decided to see what horrific gifts might be lurking on the Internet, especially in the age of artificial intelligence.

• For $65, you can impress your significant other (or cat) with the Valentine’s Day Gift Pack complete with four tins of tinned fish, as well as two tins of sardine-shaped chocolates.

• Looking for something more masculine? A beef jerky flower bouquet is available online. For $94, you can order a dozen “stems” in your choice of flavors – mixed, original, teriyaki or hot.

• Custom clothing covered in your face seems like a risky option, but for less than $40 you can personalize an entire onesie hooded jumpsuit for your love with your face and the words “I Love My Husband” or “I Love My Wife” printed on it. It’s not exactly lingerie, but who knows? Maybe it will fan the flame.

• If your Valentine loves a great ugly Christmas sweater, maybe it’s time for an ugly Valentine’s sweater. Zulily offers a double-headed sweater that you and your loved one can wear together in four styles: Love is Love, Be Mine I’m Yours, Heart Breaker and Double Trouble. 

At the top of my weird Valentine’s Day gift list, however, is a truly a one-of-a-kind item that says nothing above love or romance. Potato Parcel (as featured on Shark Tank) offers a Valentine’s Day Potato Bundle for just under $30. The box includes one potato with your image and/or message; one sweet tooth candy pack; one surprise gift box; one Valentine’s Day 3D card; and, of course, red shredded paper filing.

I asked Occasions’ Art Director, Brittney Osborn, to use her magic to create examples of Valentine’s Day spuds for Rodney and me so you could get the full effect. Words simply don’t do this gem of a Valentine’s Day gift justice. (Disclaimer: Reviews for the product are mixed and the gift is quite peculiar so proceed at your own risk. We accept no responsibility for any Valentine’s Day spats or breakups.)

Personally, I prefer more traditional Valentine’s Day gifts, but I’m sure the spud has its appeal, perhaps as a fun add-on to something more romantic. Still, just as a bouquet of flowers begins to wither away, so will your personalized Valentine’s Day potato.

I’m not sure how long a personalized spud will last, but one thing is certain. Once that lumpy potato with your Valentine’s face shrivels up and sprouts eyes, it’s not going to be pretty or the least bit romantic, so mind your end game.

Choose wisely, my friends.